The Bigger Picture

Nicki was awoken by a small hand roaming her face carelessly. She kept her eyes closed while MacKenzie ran her open hand down her face and to her lips. She kept her eyes closed until she felt her close her fist around her top lip and dig her nails in.

"Ow, Kenz," She said after pulling her face away. The baby began babbling and smiling. "Its not funny meanie!"

She frowned and sat up. MacKenzie continued to babble.

"Safaree! Micaiah!" Nicki called out then turned her attention back to her daughter. "Where are they munchkin?"

She began kicking and blowing spit bubbles. Nicki frowned and wiped her mouth with her bib.

"Stop spitting. It tis'nt becoming of a lady." She said in a British accent.

"Yeah?" Micaiah appeared in the doorway of the hotel room.

"Yes."

"Huh?"

"Don't 'yeah' me."

"Oh." He huffed. "Yes?"

"Come here." He walked over to her side of the bed and stood there. He kept a straight face until Nicki pulled him down and began tickling him.

"Stop!" He laughed and tried to pull away but his small mother was a lot stronger than she appeared.

"Tell me you love me." She laughed while tickling him.

"No!" He laughed.

"Say it!" She continued to tickle him.

"I." He breathed hard while laughing. "I. Love. You!"

She released him and smiled. If only he had known how badly she needed to hear those words. She ran her hand through his ruff curls as he sat on the side of the bed.

"Somebody needs a haircut." She laughed.

"Aw, man." He smacked his lips. "I wanted to keep it like this."

"Really?" She laughed.

"Yeah. . I mean, yes."

"I guess." She shrugged.

"Really?" He smiled.

"Yeah, you look like a little cute rugged man. You need a line up though."

"Ok." He smiled. "When are we going home?"

"Um, we have a week left. Why?"

"Football camp, remember?"

"Why you wanna leave me?" She pouted.

"Its for three weeks, Ma." He laughed at her.

"Kenzie will miss you." She placed the baby on her lap and rested her chin on Mackenzie's shoulder and poked her lip out. MacKenzie just sat there with a straight face.

"She'll be fine." He smiled before holding his sisters tiny hand.

"Where's your Dad?"

"Went to check on the new shop."

"Oh."

"He fed her and changed her."

"Yeah, I figured."

"He said he'd try to come to the signing."

"Ok." Nicki forced a smile. She knew from experience how important it was for a child to see their parents happily together.

"Do you need me to stay instead of going to camp cause-"

"No." She laughed. "I was joking babe. Go, have fun."

"And work hard."

"Its nothing wrong with working hard but try to just have fun. Ok?"

Micaiah was a lot like her in the way that he didn't do things "just for fun". If there was something to gain or accomplish than that was what would be done. Nothing more, nothing less. It had to basically be drilled into his head, just like his mothers, to relax and have fun sometimes.

"Ok."

"Watch her for me while I get ready?" Nicki laid MacKenzie in the center of the bed. "She should fall back to sleep in a second."

"Ok."

"Don't mess with her." Nicki got out of the bed. "I need her to sleep now so she's not a freaking monster later."

"Ok." Micaiah huffed.

"Ok."




Nicki sat behind the table in the bookstore unable to focus. MacKenzie was in her baby sling that hung across Nicki's chest because she couldn't be far away from her, Micaiah kept getting lost in the store and she found herself looking pass her fans to see if Safaree was really coming. Although they barely uttered more than a few sentences in each others presence she still needed him around. She was starting to regret not bringing Stephanie along until she remembered that Micaiah altogether stopped listening to her and MacKenzie only reacted positively to Nicki, her brother, and sometimes Safaree lately.

"Ma, can I get this book?" Micaiah waved around a book about animals.

"Sure." She finished signing a hardcover book. "Here you go."

"Thank you." The young girls hands shook as she took her book back.

"Next time I see you I wanna see that report card. Ok?"

"Ok." She smiled and walked away.

"Where were you?" Nicki asked Micaiah.

"Looking at books."

"They didn't see you anywhere in here."

"Hi." A boy approached the table.

"Hi." Nicki smiled. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." He smiled. "Oh. My. God. I loved, loved, loved this book Nicki. It was so well written but honest and raw and just. . ." He sighed.

She smiled, "I'm glad you liked it. Where's your book?"

"Right here." He pulled the soft cover book out his back pocket. It looked like it'd been through hell.

"Why my book look like this?" She grabbed it from him.

"I take it with me everywhere. I've read it like eleven times."

"Um, hmm." She opened it and wrote 'You should really invest in a hardcover next time :) -Nicki'

"Oh. My. God. Thank you." He smiled.

"No problem."

"I love you so much."

"I love you too."

"Bye."

"Bye." She smiled and watched him walk away before turning her attention back to Micaiah. "Stay over here."

"But-"

"You not about to be wandering around here like you some poor lost soul without a family."

"I don't even wanna be here." He mumbled and walked towards a seat a couple of feet away.

"Too bad." Nicki called after him before turning her attention to another fan. "Hi."

"Hi!"

"I love your bag. That's really cute." She smiled.




Nicki bounced a screaming MacKenzie and paced the floor. She had been crying for almost a hour nonstop. Nicki tried feeding her, giving her a bath to calm her, playing with her, singing to her but nothing worked. She was tempted to call her mother but she knew she was probably sleep and besides that she had promised Safaree that she wouldn't keep running to her mother.


*4 months ago*

"Nicki, she's fine. Trust me." Safaree tried to reassure Nicki.

"Safaree, shut the hell up." She rolled her eyes and listen to the phone ring. "Hello? Ma, maybe I'm overreacting but she keeps making this weird noise like she can't breathe or something. Really?" She looked up at Safaree. "Ok, I'll talk to you later. Bye."

"Nicki, why don't you listen to me?" He shook his head.

"I just wanna make sure." She put her phone down.

"I've done this whole thing before. I know what I'm talking about."

"Well I haven't!"

She got up and stormed out the room. Safaree followed her out the room and to the nursery. She looked down at the baby and Safaree came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm sorry baby. I didn't realize-"

"I just don't wanna fuck up again, ya know?" She wiped away her falling tears as she looked down at her infant. She was still very hormonal and sensitive from being pregnant. 

"You won't." He massaged her shoulders trying to get her to calm down.

"It took me a whole week to bond with her and now nothing is coming natural to me like it should."

"It is, Nicki. You're doing an amazing job. All first time moms call there mothers a million times. Its nothing wrong with it."

"But you make me feel like shit for it. It's not that I think you're wrong, I just. . . I don't know."

"I know but like I said, I hadn't realized how you were feeling. This is your first time taking care of an infant so you have the right to freak out about every little thing. I can't take that from you." She turned to him and rested her head on his chest.

"I'll call my mom less and listen to you more. I trust you, Faree."



Nicki heard the door to the suite open and close. She glanced at the clock on the nightstand that read 11:17. She huffed and continued to bounce the baby until he walked into their room.

"Where have you been?" She asked.

He observed the situation before speaking. Nicki looked exhausted and MacKenzie had tears streaming down her red face which meant she'd been crying for a while.

"At the shop. I told Micaiah to tell-"

"All fucking day? All fucking day, Safaree?!" As her voice got louder so did the baby's.

"Yes. I only had today to physically be here."

"No call. No text. Nothing! I've had them ALL. DAY. By. My. Self! And I had to work and you were where?"

"Nicki, don't start. You know what I'm trying to do out here. What's wrong with her?"

"Don't start? Maybe you should start paying more attention to the bigger picture and stop being so fucking selfish!"

"Selfish?"

"Take her." She put MacKenzie into his arms and walked out of the room.

Safaree placed her on the bed and took off all his jewelry before going to wash his hands. When he came back MacKenzie was still fussing. He picked her up and put his finger in her mouth. He ran his finger along her gum until he felt a small bump. MacKenzie instantly bit down and her cries became mumbles and heavy breathing. He walked her into the living room and then the kitchen. He pulled his finger out her mouth and went into the refrigerator for Nicki's leftover Popeye's. He pulled a drum stick out the box and quickly ate the cold meat off and pulled the grisle off. He placed the bone in Mackenzie's hand and watched her go to work.

Nicki blew out all the candles in the hotel room. She was going to try to do something nice for Safaree and attempt to get them back to a good place but he ruined it, once again. She picked up her phone and sent out a text.

Nicki: Still in town?
D: Yeah, you?
Nicki: Yeah, meet me at the hotel?
D: Ain't he there?
Nicki: I have another room. Room 225.
Nicki: Hurry. We only have a hour and a half before he starts looking for me.
D: Omw

She sat in the silent room and hoped that he would hurry before her thoughts consumed her. Was she doing right by her family? Her husband? After everything was said and done, would she regret it? She sighed as a knock came on the door. She opened it and forced a smile.

"That was quick." She smiled.

"I'm always quick where it matters." He laughed and closed the door behind himself.